Love ... was the answer to my question.
I honestly didn't realize I was questioning God until the answer came.
I began this journey over 4 years ago. By trial and error and loosing my way a couple of times It is finally starting to make sense.
Do you ever feel just uncertain about what steps are in front of you?
Well, I do and did ... I knew what God had told me, but none of that seem to make a difference in the face of what was before me in the natural.
What I did do was listen. Everytime the Holy Spirit would reveal something, I kept it and pondered it in my heart for what I knew would be another day!
I knew God was talking to me about my future. He likes to discuss those things with me, and I enjoy it!
I sat down to write out my story but nothing would come! I didn't understand what the hold up was with God. I felt him say this was a season of "pressing in" with Him but I wasn't sure what that something was that I was supposed to "press in" for...
The atmosphere around me seemed off somehow as though there wasn't direct instruction from the Holy Spirit! (I knew there had been) I felt as though somehow I was walking through weeds of some sort to get to what He wanted me to know.
Today, I woke up feeling once again I was in a place of misalignment in the spirit. Just a general feeling of not driving on the right road. If Holy Spirit was on the bridge, I was on the feeder road! Now I can still hear Him and see what He is doing but, I wasn't following him in the same lane like I had been all this time.
How many of us know that God puts us in difficult situations to see if what he has built in us has been rooting and growing in us properly. This is not a test by God's standards. It is simply a look at the work He is doing in you! If your a creative person, you know that you will get to a certain point in the process of your art, song, writing, choreography, etc... and look to see if what you are creating is part of the vision!
I didn't have language for it at the time but, God was telling me that I had gotten off track somewhere!
Not in a mean way... He just wanted me to see things from his perspective.
I haven't spent years in ministry school, I don't know my way around this FULL environment of Church Family, God has given me. So, when God said let what your doing in the natural go (my job) and begin to focus on ministry. I knew my family wasn't in a place to do that... so, I said "ok, Lord" and then went about the business of going back to work in the natural to provide for myself and my family the best way I knew how.
This was NOT what God had told me to do. Suffice it to say, I worked 6 months on my plan and not where God wanted me! Yes, there were indicators that said "I (Holy Spirit) don't want you here" but, of course I ignored them to do my plan. Not really even realizing I was doing MY PLAN. My thoughts were " Surely, God doesn't want us to starve!" I rationalized that God would tell me (Speak really loud at me) if He didn't want me somewhere. Well, HE told me, I just wouldn't listen! I also told myself it was irresponsible of me to quit knowing my family needed the money to keep going. I had NO grid for what God was asking me to do.
Finally, in one moment it all stopped.
No car, No job... I instantly thought I am failing my family. My oversized responsibility to my family kicked in ... instead of letting God be the Leader, I had decided to lead! Who was this person that had once committed herself to God in such a Big way? Who did I think I was? ... at this point, I wasn't sure.
For the longest time, I thought that everything inside me was God's ... He had discussed with me IN DEPTH about dying to myself! So I KNEW that I had given HIM everything! I mean we had spent the better part of the last two years letting go of a lot of stuff! He has even reminded me when the occasion called for it... "Dead people, don't get offended!" He (Holy Spirit) is very focused on what we are to achieve, and don't get in His way! At least that is what I thought!
In April of this last year, He asked me to quit a job I had been working at for over a year.
He told me He was protecting me. That was confirmed when I went to a ladies meeting at church and one of the ladies told me the same thing. (knowing nothing about my situation) I was relieved I had heard God properly.
I set about to find another job, which I did within just a couple of months but by that time the finances were in trouble to say the least. I felt it was my duty to get back to work, as soon as possible.
The job was great and didn't need a lot of guess work. I committed myself to it's success and began listening to preaching all day, while working. Additionally, I would engage in worship on the way to work and on the way back. It only took about 3 or 4 weeks for the enemy to attack me physically while at work. So badly I almost passed out one day at work. The scary part was that my boss had gone home for the day and so NO ONE KNEW WHO I WAS! The thought of me laying on some cold bathroom floor with no one to know who I was ... was a bit unnerving. I called the dr. but they gave no real reason for my physical issues. I continued to go to work. I was working from home one day and the Holy Spirit spoke to me ... " I am releasing you to ministry" ... I thought "AWESOME, I would love that"... and then he told me to quit my job. I remember the physical attacks were getting worse and worse. I began to think they had something to do with some spiritual issues within the confines of my job. I welcomed the "out" sort a speak, and I walked away easily.
A week later, (out of the blue) I got a call from another job. They wanted me to start in a week, which any responsible adult would tell you, you should take! The pay was great and closer to home.
Not exactly the job I saw myself in but it would work, right? NOPE! They let me go after 3 months.
I did my best, gave 100% but it just wasn't working. By the next week, I had another job!
Suddenly, I was driving downtown spending 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the evening for a commute plus an 8 hour day for 1/2 the money. Even I knew this was a bit upside down, but God didn't tell me to leave... right? So, I did it. I didn't see my family... I was exhausted but I wasn't giving up!
Then suddenly, my car was gone. Can't get to work ... there goes the job, too!
I felt sideswiped! For a couple of days I questioned how I got to this point.
I wasn't feeling sorry for myself but I really didn't understand!
The Lord is faithful in all that he does though. When I began this last position I felt increasingly like I needed more training where I was getting prophetic words for people. That somehow I wasn't in the right place in my heart when I ministered His words. I either needed something more or I was deficient somewhere, either way I wasn't where I needed to be. What was the answer? Where was the key? I didn't know but I was about to find out.
How many of us know that if you are looking at a work of creative flow there really is no right or wrong but how it compares to the vision in your head? God was comparing me to the vision in His head! ... with all the correction and guidance I had experienced the last few years... The question was what direction was I taking? Being teachable means that you get corrected and you get revelation. He doesn't sit you on the bench of some invisible sideline and tell you when your ready to play. No we play ... in season and out. Some seasons are for revelation and some seasons are for restructuring, so for God to say your sitting out this season didn't seem right, but that is exactly what He was telling me ... and for 90 days!
When God does this, He always attaches a promise to it!
He gave me the example of Abraham and Sarah. "He was "shutting me up" for a birthing to come!"
I thought well "praise God!" Then He told me, "my time was not yet." (disappointing to say the least)
He showed me the example in the bible when Mary asked Jesus to make wine for the wedding.
He told her "My appointed time has not yet come!" (John 2: 4) It's not that Jesus couldn't do what Mary asked of Him. The ability was always there but, when would the perfect time for God to be glorified in Jesus' ministry on the earth. Jesus did it because God gave him the green light for this one time, to show the promise that Jesus would later become.
I had my promise from God several times over about what He wanted to do in my life. How many of us know there is always a processing before the work God does in us? A baptism... Jesus stepped into baptism and in the next breath stepped into full blown ministry. It was Heavenly! Evangelist and Prophets often talk about the moment they knew they had been called. It is often defining in their lives. For me it will be this time with God. A time that he shuts me up as we await the birthing together.
A few days ago, I saw a water color vision in my mind. As Holy Spirit gave me the impression, I knew the water colors spliced together was me. It was a beautiful rainbow of purples and gold and blues and finally teal on the outside edges. In the center he began to etch out in deep black lines through out the watercolors an image of me. The line of that image looked so deep that what used to be undefined in my life had no choice but to know and understand exactly where it should be. Once the line was formed it wasn't changing. I can't express enough the depth of the line as it made it's way around the watercolors. Have you ever seen someone burn writing into wood. If you mess that up, you have to start over, Sand it down, turn it over, something. There were no mistakes in this drawing. It was a perfectly steady hand doing the drawing. I knew it must be the Holy Spirit!
Last night, I watched as Bill Johnson formed in me a picture of Abraham and Sarah and how in Hebrew 11:11 God formed a picture of the faithfulness of Sarah. When the backstory (OLD Testament) said she laughed at the thought of another child and then lied to God saying she didn't laugh. I always think to myself "man you gotta have some guts to laugh at God!" But isn't that what we do when we first practice to disobey the Holy Spirit.
Based on previous experience, I am not in the habit of not doing what God asks of me or, even questioning what He asks. So, when God said I couldn't give out a word that I desperately wanted to give last night and He said "NO." I argued, "Lord even Abraham and Sarah had to write stuff down for their servants!" He said "Exactly!"
This season of shutting up was two fold. 1. I didn't believe that ministry could come from me. (not really) I walked in unbelief, as soon as He told me I was set apart for the ministry... because I didn't think he could provide for me and my family if He didn't do it through me physically getting a job. (SUPER UNBELIEF!) It wasn't a conscientious decision, but none the less there I was. I was being a bit of a Jonah and Sarah at the same time! 2. This is a season of "writing it down." He will define me more as a writer (and whatever else He wants) and we will continue the deep things of God in me, together. Waiting, for the birthing...
Habakkuk 2:1-3 states this;
1. I shall stand my watch and set myself on the tower and will watch to see what He will say to me and what I will answer when I am reproved. 2. And the LORD* answered me and said, Write the vision and make it plain upon tablets, so he who reads it can run. 3. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it will speak and not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it, because it will surely come, it will not tarry.
So, God does refine and define us and he makes us quiet for a season so that he can birth in us what is for an appointed time that which would glorify His name in the best season and hour!
There are several other things with regard to spiritual and natural harvest that He has discussed with me and has had me pray over the last few months.
...but what I didn't know is yet to come!
I got in the car today, and as usual I began to speak with God. (This is good quiet time with Him, if you don't know.) During this time, I complained a little about feeling unbalanced (again). I asked Him what is going on? Why have I been feeling this way in my spirit? He gave me this example;
The first thing he said to me was that my spiritual vessel had been enlarged! (hmmm, ok?) Then he said look at it like it's a silo of sorts. You have a 1/3 of it filled up with all the things you have asked for and I have given you. (Your storehouse is full in that respect) What you don't have enough of is LOVE.
My love activates and fertilizes everything in that storehouse! Most of you know, I have a huge heart for people, but it wasn't my love He was asking me to fill the silo with ... It was HIS!
Matt. 19: 26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them,
“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
I had all the tools I would need except enough of HIS love to manifest the activation of all that I had stored up. Holy Spirit said it like this ... if 1/3rd of your storehouse is full then you need 2/3rds of that silo to be filled with the manifested love of Jesus! Love is the Power that unlocks it all!
I am currently asking for much more of HIS love in my life!
What about you?
1 Corinthians 13:
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body [a]to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
I pray you find the love of God that intentionally expands and writes everything down but through that love you write a story of redemption for each and every person you encounter!
Amen and Hallelujah!
Writer, Author and Minister of Birthing!